


Aperture

by wigglebox



Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [13]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, but it's okay because he's alive again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27064630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: 15x15 Coda - How the hell did Cas get a photo of himself in a damn cowboy hat?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514216
Comments: 12
Kudos: 68





	Aperture

**2017**

The images began immediately as if Dean’s brain was happily reminding him that there was no chance in hell he will forget what happened any time soon.

Dean didn’t have a chance to brace himself or indeed even soak up the relief and happiness of the moment. Every time he blinked his eyes it was a horror film that looped over and over. 

Hearing Cas was fine; Seeing Cas standing there, half in the dark, was fine. But as soon as Dean stepped forward and drew Cas in, the first very new and raw memory flashed before him. The quick still frames of moments reminded Dean of when carried Cas back into that cabin. He had wanted to do it alone and every footstep he took felt like he had cinderblocks around his ankles, not letting him go in there.

Because once he did, he couldn’t pretend that what he saw wasn’t actually Cas dying, but just some fakery meant to throw him off his game.

Holding him then, and holding him now, were two different experiences but Dean’s mind didn’t want him thinking that. 

Looking at Cas in the eyes at other parts of the day as they drove to Dodge City wrenched up the image of what his face looked like as Dean laid him down on that table. Illogical hope that plagued Dean wouldn’t go away and he remained next to that table, just waiting for Cas’s eyes to open because someone, somewhere up there was going to fix it. 

When they got to the check-in lobby, bright yellow gingham plaid curtains hung from the windows next to the desk and that image had caused Dean to give up on trying to shove the chip card in, and give it to Sam to do. Dean’s hands shook slightly and he could feel Cas’s eyes on him. The false over-excitement attitude correction Dean lapsed into over the last several hours had cracked just then. But Dean couldn’t look at Cas to give him some kind of indication that he was doing okay, because if he did, those images would be harder to push aside.

Wrapping Cas’s lifeless body up in that fabric were images that were harder to push aside, and if he looked at Cas right then in the lobby, standing next to him, it would just scramble his thoughts even more, and they were already suffering from severe whiplash

The image that finally almost completely broke Dean was when he found himself half-awake in the middle of the night for whatever reason. He stared at the wall for a minute before realizing he was seeing a flickering blue light. He turned over and kept his eyes only half closed as he watched Cas and Jack sit in front of the laptop, watching some kind of movie or TV show. 

When Dean tried closing his eyes, the flickering remained, except the image was not of the two figures at the table with the computer, but the pyre as it burned bright and hot, sealing the permanence of what had happened. 

Dean, feeling the small tendrils of panic start, opened his eyes to remind himself that the fire was the memory, and the motel scene was real. 

But he couldn’t keep his eyes open forever, so he turned his head away from everyone obscuring his face. The panic still rose, and the anguish that came along with that image made Dean physically ache from the tips of his fingers and down. 

Dean kept his eyes open as long as he could to take in the blue light, trying to use it to anchor him to the _now_ and not the _then_. 

Dean knew he was over-correcting his attitude to be as excited as he could be about the case, location, and the ability to play cowboy again. The need to swerve and dodge every horrible image or feeling that came speeding toward him was already wearing him out. He also knew Sam was seeing right past it, but Dean hoped to hell that Cas would just brush it aside or at least not question it. 

But it took all of one minute driving to the crime scene for Cas to begin the interrogation. 

“Dean, can I ask you something?” was how it started, and a normal, happy conversation rarely began with those words. Dean could already feel the knot forming in his stomach. 

“Yeah, sure,” he answered, determined to keep his eyes on the road. 

“You weren’t lying when you said you didn’t do anything to bring me back, right?” 

Dean winced at the question. It sounded like they just happily threw Cas onto the fire and decided to not even try to rescue him from wherever he went.

Clearing his throat, Dean tried to keep his voice steady, “No, we weren’t lying. Why did you--”

“Jack said you were pretty upset,” Cas explained. The unspoken comment Dean knew Cas wanted to voice was that “When you’re upset, you make bad decisions you think are good.”

“Yeah of course we were,” Dean frowned, still resisting the temptation to look over. “I mean what did you expect from us--”

“No, not both of you, not you and Sam,” Cas interjected. “I’m talking about just you.”

Dean pursed his lips and mentally cussed Jack out in his head even though he knew Jack didn’t understand ‘tact’ yet. Staying silent for a moment, Dean took his time so he could choose the right words, otherwise--

“Well--I mean yeah,” he started, having to clear his throat again. This sucked. “I didn’t really get how horrifying it was seeing burned wings on the ground until right then.”

Dean’s resolve broke and he finally glanced over to Cas who stared back at him with that familiar intensity that was always a weird combination of annoying but comforting; Though at that time, it felt like a spotlight.

“Burned wings meant you weren’t coming back. I know how the rules work,” Dean explained, trying to stave off the memory of those markings when he went to lift Cas off the ground. 

Dean knew that didn’t fully answer Cas’s question, and he braced himself for more, but Cas turned his attention back to the road and remained quiet.

The goal was to look over the “crime scene” but Dean’s attention remained focused on Cas.

It was an interesting image played out before him and Dean didn’t expect Cas to wear the hat which was bought last minute at the hotel’s gift shop. But he did.

The distraction had really started just as soon as Dean mentioned that damn movie. It was the only reference he had to give to Cas but it immediately brought back memories of that night. Those images replaced the horror show that had been replaying in Dean’s mind for several hours, but they were still diverting his attention away from the task at hand. 

“Tombstone” wasn’t a difficult movie to understand, but Dean found himself explaining left and right certain aspects of it, bullshitting in other areas. Not like he minded. Cas seemed interested in the movie, unlike Sam when Dean tried to get him to watch years ago. 

Cas actually enjoyed those older movies and shows Dean would throw at him. At first, Dean had just figured Cas was indulging him but after the fourth or fifth one, it became clear that Cas did in fact like doing nothing else with his time at night whenever they had that chance. 

One of the images that always stuck in Dean’s memory was that whenever they did settle in for those nights, Cas would actually look like he wanted to relax. The coat and jacket underneath went off, he actually loosened the tie, and even though it did nothing for him, would accept any drink Dean passed to him.

It always gave Dean a small dose of happiness at the normalcy of it all.

And now those nights kept replaying in his head while he walked along the highway under the sun as he was supposed to be searching for--what exactly? He momentarily forgot why they were there.

He looked up and saw Cas nearby, frowning as he looked farther down the highway. It was the combination of the hat, the coat even though it was hot as shit outside, and that all-to-familiar expression that made Dean automatically take out his phone. Before Cas could turn or even realize what was happening, [Dean took a photo.](https://starlightcastiel.tumblr.com/post/632117910292381696/gimme-shelter-no-more-deals)

His phone made a shutter noise and Dean cringed, cursing under his breath as Cas looked over.

“What was that?”

Dean hesitated, weighing his options and how much truth he had to say. Sighing, he swiped to the photo album while walking over to Cas. 

“I took a picture,” he explained, drawing up the picture which had half of it covered by Dean’s finger. “A very bad photo.”

“You wanted to take a photo of me standing in the road?” Cas asked, handing the phone back to Dean. His words weren’t mocking, and Dean noted a small smile forming.

“Don’t know when I’ll get you in a hat like this again, so I wanted to commemorate the occasion,” Dean said, hoping it made sense out loud because it didn’t in his head. “I print some of these things out--remember that album Sam made me start a couple years ago? 

Cas nodded and looked at the picture again.

“Remind me to crop out my stupid thumb before I print this,” Dean said, closing his phone as it grew hotter under the sun. 

“Can I have a copy too?” Cas asked. Dean paused as he put his phone back into his pocket and they began walking up the road.

“Sure--why?” 

Cas shrugged, “Maybe I want to start an album as well.” 

It was a lame reason, a cover-up, but Dean didn’t push because Cas could easily push back with other unanswered questions from the car ride.

They both continued on with the investigation in silence with the occasional observation. The answer about the photo album wasn’t exactly a lie, because Dean _was_ going to put it in there, but he didn’t want to say that the real reason he took that photo was due to the horrors that had been flashing before his eyes for over a day, and he needed something good in there to try and get himself back on stable ground.

And Cas did look good, but Dean wasn’t going to tell him just how much.

**Author's Note:**

> So I was going to write one thing, but then kept going back to the fact that Cas had a photo of himself in a damn cowboy hat from that Tombstone episode and I'm like "bruh who took that and who gave it to you".
> 
> The gif that is embedded is from this lovely person,[starlightcastiel on Tumblr!](https://starlightcastiel.tumblr.com/post/632117910292381696/gimme-shelter-no-more-deals)
> 
> I wasn't writing fics in season 13 so I don't have coda fics for those episodes, however, I was re-reading the transcript for 13x06 and I realized WOW there are fanfic gaps! We love fanfic gaps (hence the name of the fic, which also is related to photography). 
> 
> It turned out a little sadder than I had initially predicted but I kept thinking about that time and how wild of a turnaround Dena had attitude-wise. Like, in the previous episode he was ready to die and he had been severely depressed leading up to that and then all of a sudden it was excitement!!!! Obviously he was happy for a very specific reason, but that doesn't mean what he witnessed and went through would suddenly disappear. 
> 
> And no, Dean did not remember to, and Cas did not remind him to, crop the photo before it got printed. That detail was included due to the observation that the photo in 15x15 looked like it was cut on one side lol. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading! Once again, this is unbetad, and it's hard to write at the moment given I do not have a writing desk or my own space, so hopefully it still reads alright! If you see any mistakes please kindly let me know so I can fix!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! <333 Jen - Wigglebox tumblr/twitter


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